What is the terminal velocity of a pixie, anyway?
----
1: Instead of 'urine-haired' maybe 'piss-haired' would be a better description.
2: Yes, 'piss-haired' is much more evocative
----
A: It's unclear why he wouldn't take the treasure. Or as much as a pixie could take.
B: How much could a pixie carry?
A: What's the airspeed velocity of an unladen pixie?
C: Is it an African or European pixie?
----
Maybe pixies have really enormous gonads and that drives everything they do.
----
With his urine...wench? Hair urine? Urine-haired...whatever.
----
Reader: I was a bit confused then.
Author: I'm a bit confused, too--I don't even remember that happening
----
In my mind I pictured Danny DeVito with wings
----
X: He should break in looking for a size-change spell!
Y: Yeah, that's cool!
Z: It is cool--but I said that already. How come it wasn't cool when I said it?
A: It's the emphasis--it's how you sell it.
----
You need to upgrade to Ward 2.0
----
She: I don't think anybody with a penis, or any man--let's put it that way--would slam the door of a $250,000 car
Him: He just slammed his $250,000 penis
----
I thought it was a good interlude, I didn't have any problems telling who people were, so...poo poo on you.
----
One: This other thing--this 'B' thing
Several: The Brisingamen
One: Brisingamen?
Two: Gesundheit
Three: The Bazinga?
----
I notice you have a love affair with the exclamation mark. You and she need to take a break. Spend some time with your wife away from the exclamation mark.
----
P: 'Sticky.' 'Dribble.' 'Trickle.' You use them over and over. New words. Find new words.
Q: But save those ones for the title of your collection.
----
- SWG
Monday, February 18, 2013
Wednesday, January 02, 2013
Writing Resolutions for 2013
Over at my personal blog, I posted my writing resolutions for 2013.
This year, I will be choosing different writing-related topics to blog about. Watch this space for news as it comes in.
Also, I'm in the process of setting up a page on my my website that will summarize the writing tips I posted here during 2012. Once the page is live, I will post a link.
This year, I will be choosing different writing-related topics to blog about. Watch this space for news as it comes in.
Also, I'm in the process of setting up a page on my my website that will summarize the writing tips I posted here during 2012. Once the page is live, I will post a link.
Friday, December 28, 2012
The Dangers of Having an Opinion
It's the new millenium and if you want to break into this wacky field of publishing new writers must dip their toes into the potential quagmire of Social Media. It is the cheapest way to get your name out into the world.
It is also the fastest way to put your foot in your mouth, or having painstakenly gained a following, lose it because you are a human being with your own personal values.
The recent shootings in America has rekindled the old gun-control arguments. I have an opinion on this. An author I like to read has a differing opinion. Needless to say, it has affected me and I wonder if I will read any more of this author's works.
This is the risk you take when voicing opinions on Facebook, Twitter, or blogs. Not such a big thing if you are an established author with a sizeable following, but when you are a small fish in a big pond, you might want to reconsider. Every fan has the potential of selling an author's work to others by word-of-mouth. Should you lose that fan, well, the opposite might happen.
One might argue this is my fault, that I'm not mature enough and should get over it.
Immature? Then I should get over all the evil things Hitler did because, after all, he did pull Germany out of economic ruin, right?
Only a moron would bring Hitler into it. /unfriend
An extreme example, but you get the picture.
I'm not telling anyone what to write on their blogs, just be careful. Like it or not, at it's heart writing is a business, and like all good businesses, sometimes we have to make concessions to keep the customer happy even if it means biting our tongues now and then.
It is also the fastest way to put your foot in your mouth, or having painstakenly gained a following, lose it because you are a human being with your own personal values.
The recent shootings in America has rekindled the old gun-control arguments. I have an opinion on this. An author I like to read has a differing opinion. Needless to say, it has affected me and I wonder if I will read any more of this author's works.
This is the risk you take when voicing opinions on Facebook, Twitter, or blogs. Not such a big thing if you are an established author with a sizeable following, but when you are a small fish in a big pond, you might want to reconsider. Every fan has the potential of selling an author's work to others by word-of-mouth. Should you lose that fan, well, the opposite might happen.
One might argue this is my fault, that I'm not mature enough and should get over it.
Immature? Then I should get over all the evil things Hitler did because, after all, he did pull Germany out of economic ruin, right?
Only a moron would bring Hitler into it. /unfriend
An extreme example, but you get the picture.
I'm not telling anyone what to write on their blogs, just be careful. Like it or not, at it's heart writing is a business, and like all good businesses, sometimes we have to make concessions to keep the customer happy even if it means biting our tongues now and then.
Congratulations Suzanne, and thanks.
When, at the end of 2011, Suzanne Church first told the SWG her intention of writing a blog post every week, we were skeptical, if not critical. After all, if you are writing a blog post, you aren't writing fiction, right?
But she did it writing some 52 posts in 2012. Not just token "This is my post" paragraph either, but full blown essays on the topic of writing. So, on behalf of the Gang, I would like to thank Suzanne for her efforts and congratulate her on a job well done.
But she did it writing some 52 posts in 2012. Not just token "This is my post" paragraph either, but full blown essays on the topic of writing. So, on behalf of the Gang, I would like to thank Suzanne for her efforts and congratulate her on a job well done.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Five Ways to Write During the Holidays
The holiday season always throws me off my writing game.
I love to cook. I love to eat. I believe holidays should involve several food comas.
When do I squeeze in writing?
Whenever I can.
Five Ways to Squeeze in Writing During the Holidays:
5. Brainstorm in the shower
No matter what's on the celebration agenda, you have to have at least one shower a day. Why not use that time to brain storm your current writing project?
This week, I plan to brainstorm every day, to come up with a rocking premise for Tesseracts 17.
4. Go for a walk
More specifically, go for a walk and bring your phone. Use the sound note recording feature to write while you're on the walk. You can find time to transcribe the details later.
Remember the food coma? Well if you don't go for the occasional walk, you're going to gain a billion pounds by the end of the holidays.
3. Exploit your captive audience
Last week, I suggested you read your comedy aloud to your guests to see how well the jokes fly. Reading aloud is always a good idea. Sometimes you'll get more ideas about how to edit, and you might even notice the occasional glaring error.
Not that you, or I, have any of those glaring errors. Right? :)
I've been working on a particularly nightmarish story for Night Terrors III and I hope to read it aloud to my guy during the break..
2. Submit a story before 2012 ends
If you're like me, you probably have one story that's ready (or a couple of reads away from ready) to send back out. And you'll feel better about your submission rate if you send out one more before the year is out.
I always find that submitting a story awakens my writing muse, and I almost always want to scribble down a few ideas, or a story start right after. Use this submission exercise to get the juices flowing and meet your hundred word daily quota.
Remember that story I'm going to read aloud and then send along to Night Terrors III? Well their deadline is January 1, 2013. So I'll either sub the story before Dec 31st to increase my submission count, or use it as a first sub for 2013.
And the number one way to make time to write during the holidays:
1. Make writing time your present to yourself
You know the scene. Everyone's ripping open presents and showing off their cool stuff. And if you have kids, they likely want to immediately play with said cool stuff. That's when you cash in one of your time-to-write cards
What are these cards?
Write down the words "I will write uninterrupted for one hour" on ten cue cards/old Christmas cards, or whatever using a BIG BLACK MARKER. Then wrap the cards and place them under the tree, with To: Your Name From: Santa on the gift tag.
Once I'm done posting this blog entry, I'm making up the cards and putting them under my tree.
Seriously.
Trust me, the more time you make for writing, the less guilty you'll feel by the end of the season.
And even if you only use one of those ten cue cards, you'll have the other nine to help you have a fresh start in 2013.
Do It Now:
Make those ten cue cards, wrap them, and get them under the tree. (Of course, if you don't celebrate Christmas, there won't be a tree, but you can still give the present to yourself in a non-Christmas/Christian manner.)
Start thinking about your writing resolutions for 2013.
I love to cook. I love to eat. I believe holidays should involve several food comas.
When do I squeeze in writing?
Whenever I can.
Five Ways to Squeeze in Writing During the Holidays:
5. Brainstorm in the shower
No matter what's on the celebration agenda, you have to have at least one shower a day. Why not use that time to brain storm your current writing project?
This week, I plan to brainstorm every day, to come up with a rocking premise for Tesseracts 17.
4. Go for a walk
More specifically, go for a walk and bring your phone. Use the sound note recording feature to write while you're on the walk. You can find time to transcribe the details later.
Remember the food coma? Well if you don't go for the occasional walk, you're going to gain a billion pounds by the end of the holidays.
3. Exploit your captive audience
Last week, I suggested you read your comedy aloud to your guests to see how well the jokes fly. Reading aloud is always a good idea. Sometimes you'll get more ideas about how to edit, and you might even notice the occasional glaring error.
Not that you, or I, have any of those glaring errors. Right? :)
I've been working on a particularly nightmarish story for Night Terrors III and I hope to read it aloud to my guy during the break..
2. Submit a story before 2012 ends
If you're like me, you probably have one story that's ready (or a couple of reads away from ready) to send back out. And you'll feel better about your submission rate if you send out one more before the year is out.
I always find that submitting a story awakens my writing muse, and I almost always want to scribble down a few ideas, or a story start right after. Use this submission exercise to get the juices flowing and meet your hundred word daily quota.
Remember that story I'm going to read aloud and then send along to Night Terrors III? Well their deadline is January 1, 2013. So I'll either sub the story before Dec 31st to increase my submission count, or use it as a first sub for 2013.
And the number one way to make time to write during the holidays:
1. Make writing time your present to yourself
You know the scene. Everyone's ripping open presents and showing off their cool stuff. And if you have kids, they likely want to immediately play with said cool stuff. That's when you cash in one of your time-to-write cards
What are these cards?
Write down the words "I will write uninterrupted for one hour" on ten cue cards/old Christmas cards, or whatever using a BIG BLACK MARKER. Then wrap the cards and place them under the tree, with To: Your Name From: Santa on the gift tag.
Once I'm done posting this blog entry, I'm making up the cards and putting them under my tree.
Seriously.
Trust me, the more time you make for writing, the less guilty you'll feel by the end of the season.
And even if you only use one of those ten cue cards, you'll have the other nine to help you have a fresh start in 2013.
Do It Now:
Make those ten cue cards, wrap them, and get them under the tree. (Of course, if you don't celebrate Christmas, there won't be a tree, but you can still give the present to yourself in a non-Christmas/Christian manner.)
Start thinking about your writing resolutions for 2013.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Dying Is Easy, Comedy Is Hard
I looked up the quote that is the title of this blog, but no one is sure who actually said it first. But it is very true. Comedy is hard.
Hard to explain, hard to write, hard to deliver, and most importantly, it's extremely hard to get right.
Why?
Because if it was easy, everyone would be writing comedy.
Types of Comedic Writing
The Pun
Brad Carson, another Stop-Watch Gang member, is a master punster. While puns aren't my standard comedic MO, I do throw one into a story occasionally. If you're going to use a pun, make sure it fits in the story, or it will stick out like a sore thumb!
I would make a pun here, right now, but my thumb's still aching from the last one.
The Recurring Gag
Sometimes a joke will repeat throughout a story. Usually two times, but it can occur more often (although it might then feel "tired" if overused). I used to say to my kids, "Once is funny. Three times is annoying."
For instance, in one of my stories, the main character wakes up in yesterday's clothes and spends the remainder of the story looking rather ragged. Every time he meets an adversary, they usually say to him, "You look like crap." By about the second or third time, it's not funny for the protagonist, but the phrase is funny to the reader.
Absurdity
Think Monty Python.
Then go a step further.
For example:
What if five guys decide to make money by robbing the rich old guy in the neighbourhood? But once they break in, they discover he's a werewolf. And after the old man eats the first robber, his vampire friends arrive for their weekly poker game. And the remaining robbers have to hide in the bathroom (because maybe vampires and werewolves never pee), and then an army of silverfish pour out of the tub and it just so happens one of the robbers is terrified of silverfish, so he runs screaming into the midst of the poker game where the vampires suck him dry.
Okay, that doesn't sound absurd enough (yet). I will have to think about how much more absurd the situation could be. Robot zombie silverfish perhaps? :)
Satire and Sarcasm
Satire and sarcasm are my bread and butter.
In my authorial voice, my characters tend to be smart alecks who make blatant snaps at their friends whenever possible. Probably because I tend to employ sarcasm more often than not in my everyday life.
Sometimes, the best way to write a comedy is to take an overused story (like Cinderella or the Odyssey) and totally make satirical fun of it.
For example:
What if Cinderella is a guy who used to be a boxer and now he scrubs floors in a fish processing plant at night. And when he isn't invited to the ball, maybe he loses his rubber glove and it's found by a the gay millionaire owner of the fish processing conglomeration? Maybe they end up falling in love over a pile of fish guts?
Again, that doesn't sound very funny to me (yet), but sometimes comedy is all about trying new ideas and seeing if they float (Yay!) or sink like boulders (back to editing).
The Old Standard
Some jokes never get old. I've used many a classic, such as, Why did the chicken cross the road? and Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Yes, I had the audacity to use both of the above jokes in my chickens-take-over-the-world story, "Yummy Mutants" which appeared in Oddlands Magazine. As a matter of fact, I used every single chicken joke ever written in that story.
Which leads me to...
Go High or Go Home
If you're going for as funny as you can possibly be, then don't hold back. Add another joke. Then five more. Fill that story to its maximum joke capacity.
For example, in the Mel Brooks movie, Young Frankenstein, Brooks uses just about every comedic trope. The man was a genius at never letting up when it came to packing in as many possible versions of comedy as possible: the sight gag, the running gag, the pun, the cliché, the absurd, the spontaneous, the eclectic, and the satirical.
And Marty Feldman simply cannot be beat in terms of comedic timing.
If you have not seen the movie, make time. See how many of the tropes you can spot.
Once you stop laughing and get back to working on your own comedy, I suggest you read your work-in-progress aloud. To an audience.
If they don't laugh, you have some work to do.
If they do laugh, but in the wrong places, then you have even more work to do.
Like most arts, your comedy will improve with practice.
Make a few edits, then read the new version to a different audience, and hope that you hear more laughs the second time around.
Lather, rinse, repeat. And repeat again.
Repeat a whole ton more.
You might get sick of the story, but that's okay. Because comedy is hard work, and if you're laughing every time, then you're on the right track.
To use yet another movie reference, Shrek is funny every single time. (The original movie, not the sequels.) The writers took a very long time to ensure they got the comedy right.
Do It Now:
If you've never seen Shrek or Young Frankenstein, then beg, borrow, or buy yourself a copy and watch them ASAP.
Write the first 100 words of a comedic piece. Read it aloud to someone. (It's a holiday, you're bound to have friends and/or family around.) Make notes of the funny parts when they laughed and when they didn't. Edit accordingly.
Hard to explain, hard to write, hard to deliver, and most importantly, it's extremely hard to get right.
Why?
Because if it was easy, everyone would be writing comedy.
Types of Comedic Writing
The Pun
Brad Carson, another Stop-Watch Gang member, is a master punster. While puns aren't my standard comedic MO, I do throw one into a story occasionally. If you're going to use a pun, make sure it fits in the story, or it will stick out like a sore thumb!
I would make a pun here, right now, but my thumb's still aching from the last one.
The Recurring Gag
Sometimes a joke will repeat throughout a story. Usually two times, but it can occur more often (although it might then feel "tired" if overused). I used to say to my kids, "Once is funny. Three times is annoying."
For instance, in one of my stories, the main character wakes up in yesterday's clothes and spends the remainder of the story looking rather ragged. Every time he meets an adversary, they usually say to him, "You look like crap." By about the second or third time, it's not funny for the protagonist, but the phrase is funny to the reader.
Absurdity
Think Monty Python.
Then go a step further.
For example:
What if five guys decide to make money by robbing the rich old guy in the neighbourhood? But once they break in, they discover he's a werewolf. And after the old man eats the first robber, his vampire friends arrive for their weekly poker game. And the remaining robbers have to hide in the bathroom (because maybe vampires and werewolves never pee), and then an army of silverfish pour out of the tub and it just so happens one of the robbers is terrified of silverfish, so he runs screaming into the midst of the poker game where the vampires suck him dry.
Okay, that doesn't sound absurd enough (yet). I will have to think about how much more absurd the situation could be. Robot zombie silverfish perhaps? :)
Satire and Sarcasm
Satire and sarcasm are my bread and butter.
In my authorial voice, my characters tend to be smart alecks who make blatant snaps at their friends whenever possible. Probably because I tend to employ sarcasm more often than not in my everyday life.
Sometimes, the best way to write a comedy is to take an overused story (like Cinderella or the Odyssey) and totally make satirical fun of it.
For example:
What if Cinderella is a guy who used to be a boxer and now he scrubs floors in a fish processing plant at night. And when he isn't invited to the ball, maybe he loses his rubber glove and it's found by a the gay millionaire owner of the fish processing conglomeration? Maybe they end up falling in love over a pile of fish guts?
Again, that doesn't sound very funny to me (yet), but sometimes comedy is all about trying new ideas and seeing if they float (Yay!) or sink like boulders (back to editing).
The Old Standard
Some jokes never get old. I've used many a classic, such as, Why did the chicken cross the road? and Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Yes, I had the audacity to use both of the above jokes in my chickens-take-over-the-world story, "Yummy Mutants" which appeared in Oddlands Magazine. As a matter of fact, I used every single chicken joke ever written in that story.
Which leads me to...
Go High or Go Home
If you're going for as funny as you can possibly be, then don't hold back. Add another joke. Then five more. Fill that story to its maximum joke capacity.
For example, in the Mel Brooks movie, Young Frankenstein, Brooks uses just about every comedic trope. The man was a genius at never letting up when it came to packing in as many possible versions of comedy as possible: the sight gag, the running gag, the pun, the cliché, the absurd, the spontaneous, the eclectic, and the satirical.
And Marty Feldman simply cannot be beat in terms of comedic timing.
If you have not seen the movie, make time. See how many of the tropes you can spot.
Once you stop laughing and get back to working on your own comedy, I suggest you read your work-in-progress aloud. To an audience.
If they don't laugh, you have some work to do.
If they do laugh, but in the wrong places, then you have even more work to do.
Like most arts, your comedy will improve with practice.
Make a few edits, then read the new version to a different audience, and hope that you hear more laughs the second time around.
Lather, rinse, repeat. And repeat again.
Repeat a whole ton more.
You might get sick of the story, but that's okay. Because comedy is hard work, and if you're laughing every time, then you're on the right track.
To use yet another movie reference, Shrek is funny every single time. (The original movie, not the sequels.) The writers took a very long time to ensure they got the comedy right.
Do It Now:
If you've never seen Shrek or Young Frankenstein, then beg, borrow, or buy yourself a copy and watch them ASAP.
Write the first 100 words of a comedic piece. Read it aloud to someone. (It's a holiday, you're bound to have friends and/or family around.) Make notes of the funny parts when they laughed and when they didn't. Edit accordingly.
Friday, December 14, 2012
New cover art by Costi Gurgu
“Inner Diverse” by Nina Munteanu—second book of "The Splintered Universe Trilogy"— is released today by Starfire World Syndicate.
Cover art and design for this second book are by Costi Gurgu.
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